My wiseman/doctor told me to consider focusing on what I want rather than on trying to help. In some way I don’t think he intended, that switched my mode of thinking from: I need this help or that help, and if I need it I am probably not the only one who does--so there is potential justification in complaining about not getting it--to: If I had millions of dollars and unlimited resources, this is what I would want to give to HIV+ people in San Francisco, my closest community, (anonymously), because (--I don’t have any reason to think anyone else would want it, and I have no reason to believe that it could exist) but--this is all that I want:
If I could be a client to this imaginary agency, if I could just be in the house, it would make my life here worth all the other care I now receive. I very much believe that the surroundings a "+Positive House" would allow would result in my unfolding into living the worthy, content, productive life my caregivers wish for me, that I can’t live now.
I would want to give this my house--not as replacement or improvement to existing SF HIV-care for myself or others, and not without gratitude--but as adjunct to what already exists, and as outreach, by inclusion, to some individuals and to some forms of relationships considered not to be in need of help, or not considered at all.
+Positive House is a playfully edgy, lovingly made-up space, but any aspect of it, or even slightly changed approach represented by it would contribute to this real person's holistic health and wellbeing in the world (and in this city) as an HIV+ individual--beyond the ways her present treatment and environment are able to help, and beyond what she is capable of on her own.
This is the whole of what I would want to magically be able to give, give away, and then to receive somehow in reality.
...always, to look life in the face. To know it for what it is. To love it for what it is. And, then, to put it away.... Always the years between us.... Always the years. Always the love. Always the hours." -Virginia Woolf in "The Hours"